You Can’t Always Tell What a Story’s About From Its Title

Welcome to my Substack

I want to take this opportunity to welcome the many new subscribers which, given the timing, I am assuming came from a recent article about me in the New York Times. I am hoping you came because you read the entire article about where I have landed now and that is the story you find more interesting than the one suggested by the title. A special thank you to those who pledged a future paid subscription. In the interests of transparency, I thought it might be helpful to let you know what you can and cannot expect to find here.

Let me begin by saying right up front I am currently not a style influencer, as the title seems to imply. My last sponsored post was over two years ago. I will not provide style tips or talk trends or what to wear (not that I really ever did). I will not be giving advice about how to be an influencer. I may write about clothes or fashion from a sociological perspective, but I will not post myself wearing them here or on social media for inspirational purposes. These days I dress for comfort, function and to please myself, not to transmit any societal message about age. What I wear seems trivial considering the things that keep me up at night when I think about what the future may hold for my grandchildren. Before and after my short six-year stint as Accidental Icon, with really only four years being in the public eye, I was/am a social worker and a former professor of social work. I am a partner, mother, grandmother, sister, aunt, friend, community member, writer and many more things, happier now than I have been for a very long time. Who I was as a “style influencer” does not and should not define an entire life.

While there were/are many women, young and old, who felt/feel empowered by Accidental Icon, there were/are equal amounts of others who were/are made to feel bad about their bodies or disabilities, or hopeless and frustrated about their circumstances and abilities to achieve the life that I appeared to be living as the model and goals of successful older life because I did not name my privilege in becoming her. Once I stopped being a blogger and became an influencer, I conveyed a false message that if you just have style, wear the right clothes and use certain products, you can avoid the social exclusion and challenges of aging. This both/and response to the Accidental Icon years is clear in the many comments that accompany the current article which brought so many of you here. It’s taken some work over the last three years to forgive myself. It’s why I don’t want to be a social media person anymore.

While the book I wrote, How to Be Old, has many themes: reinvention, creativity, relationships, the power of clothing, identity, aging and taking advantage of accidental occurances, it also makes visible the process of how I lost authorial control over telling the story of my own life. What was initially a creative impulse, a gesture of self-care that allowed me to research and write and gave me enormous pleasure, in the hands of the media became a story about how one should live as they age, a story I never intended to tell. The residue remains. It was a case of narrative theft, similar to the one time I was robbed on a crowded subway. Rushing as usual, I left my bucket bag gapping wide open across my back, inviting that hand to reach right in and grab my wallet. Not that my neglect justifies the crime, but it should prompt a reflection, as it did, about what had made me so careless, not protect myself and how to make sure I was mindful and did so in the future. I was naïve, both in the subway and in the digital world. Perhaps I was grandiose in thinking I would have control.

So as a result, I went on a quest, through writing and reflection, to understand why and how I lost control of my story in the process of being the Accidental Icon and why I did not protect myself against this possibility. I experienced grief and self-recrimination that I had been a willing participant in my undoing. That in doing so, I made some women feel bad. I made some women feel angry. It pained me to read comments yesterday in response to the article that showed that was still happening even though I have not been an influencer now for a while. Yet I know I made some women feel empowered and free. I gave some women courage to take a risk. That I made some women feel seen. That today I am writing in ways that women tell me make them feel known. The comments about the article also reflect that.

Media representations of older life present either/or options. On one end we are presented with the decline/dependence narrative, suggesting that we are cognitively and physically disabled, have many needs, and are burdens on the economy, society and future generations. On the other end is the fearless, ageless, highly resourced, hot, marathon running, independent, active person who needs nothing at all. The big cognitive hole in between the two representations of age is waiting for the rich, complex, textured, sometimes tortured, and inclusive narratives of how the vast majority of us really age. The true stories that can be found in the lives of those living offline. That are not visible. That reflects the complexity of real and not virtual, human life. When there are polarities, the truth lies somewhere in-between. That is where I now sit. In the in-between.

If you read my book, you will find that when I when I stopped “scrolling” interrupted by, and living through the pandemic, I prioritized my family, community, the environment, my health and a more honest representation of older life. I will write about these topics as gracefully, sustainably, truthfully and creatively as I can, acknowledging along the way where privilege comes into play and suggesting what equity and innovative design could look like in addressing the challenges and opportunities that come with older life. I will try very hard to write the truth about what it means to be old for me and invite others to tell theirs. My blog at its best was always a co-creation between me and the women who left long, thoughtful comments. I invite you to write your truth in the comments and call me out if necessary. I invite younger women who I read that are asking hard questions about their own lives to ask us hard questions about older life, ones that demand truthful answers. Start a thread on something you wish to talk about. Many times, I will just write about persons, places, objects, books, ideas or experiences that are interesting to me. Things that bring me pleasure or pain or both and may have nothing to do with being old. Despite the title of my book and my Substack, being old does not define me either.

Welcome and let’s have a conversation!