Dispatches From the Shed
Shorts Bursts of Energy and Ideas
Introduction:
I'm not interested in writing anything "long" right now. I've been working for nine months while supposedly retired (we’ll address the uselessness of that word in another post). Maybe it’s because I’ve just finished writing an entire book. I want to write more like the micro blogging I do on Instagram. After 12 hours a day, five days a week of caring for a toddler, working on a grant, and renovating a house, I want easy. I want hours of meandering research, imagination, and daydreams. I want interesting and creative ideas. I want that time where you write in your journal because you’ve found a word or phrase or idea that amazes you.
But yet, I still want to share what I think and feel with you. I want my community. So, unlike most journals that are private, mine will be shared. My blog readers and Instagram followers know their comments are just as valuable as my writing. I want that to happen here too. Let’s all share what I am calling “bursts of energy and ideas”. I have no endpoint in mind about this exercise. It just feels like the right structure for me now.
I’ve neglected my body and my inner life during this time. Being physically exhausted made me reach for the comfort of food and sweets, and there seemed to be no time to exercise. Too much caffeine and sugar to give me that fake energy that had me in bed at 7:00PM. I am probably 20 pounds heavier than I was. I never worried about my weight, it would fluctuate depending on how much stress I was under or how inspired I was. Standards of beauty snuck into my consciousness while I was an influencer, and now haunt me. My propensity to be punitive lurks at the door. I am determined to resist. I am determined to be kind.
Rather than celebrate the achievements of finishing a book and in partnership with my daughter, getting my grandson through his first year of life, illness free and happier than a clam, I’m already plotting the next new thing I must “do”. Somehow, this is the habit I’ve never broken, the one that has defined my life until now. I must examine why I feel pressed to go on to the next new thing without taking a breath or a moment to reflect. Why I feel I must work so hard at everything I do. What do I fear will happen if I am just me, if I just be?
Dispatches From the Shed are really about me doing less. It’s about me doing balance. It’s about me figuring out how to be old now that I am 70. My book is a reflection on the decade I just passed; the one where I became and was the Accidental Icon. Dispatches From the Shed will be about the next decade and the new adventure I know I will have.
Dispatches From the Shed was conceived yesterday under the gaze of the Super Moon, the Buck Moon. Perhaps this new moon will tell me something I need to know. As I research this special full moon, it is all about the containing of two polarities. This concerns the balance between private life, domesticity, nurturance, home versus public life, career, reputation, and accountability. In this full moon I find an invitation. One that suggests that it is possible, and that there is a balance. A balance between roots and direction. This full moon invites me to acknowledge the past and move forward. I am standing on the line between old and new.
This moon tells me it is time to establish rituals and intentions, practice yoga, take walks and work out in harmony with nature. The moon says that it is time to sit with myself, to journal again, to engage in creative endeavors that can help me identify my own needs and identify limiting beliefs. The moon reminds me that nurturing yourself provides the foundation for you to do the same for others. The moon says, keep renovating your house, your garden and put down strong roots.
For me, a Gemini, the moon says this will be a time of creative expression. This moon tells me it’s time to identify and articulate your heart’s desires. This moon tells me it’s time for heartfelt conversations, honesty, and verbalizing what you appreciate in others. The moon tells me that if I choose wisely, there will be a reinvigoration of my creative, intellectual, and communicative capacity. Most of all, the moon seems to give me a whole lot of dynamic energy to identify and release outdated patterns.
To get us started, here’s something from my journal, written about a book.
The world outside is grey and moody. It reflects my interior landscape today. The rain falls in unrelenting sheets. I crawl under mine. I decide to read. It’s a memoir written by Claire Wilcox, the senior fashion curator at the V & A Museum. It’s called Patchwork: A Life Among Clothes. It’s the kind of book that makes you stop and pull up an image or do some research when you come upon a certain word, or an idea presented. One which I will write about is “chatelaine”. I invite you to read something about them too. They tickle my imagination and make me want to write a historical novel. Perhaps starring a diverse group of women sharing secrets they carry in their “chatelaines” as they decide to plot a “rebellion”. I’ve never thought of writing fiction, perhaps I should.
Patchwork is the kind of book where the author meanders freely and you learn practical tricks you never think you would. Such as dead-heading yellow dandelions to keep them from becoming "wishing wands" and spreading. You pick until your fingers are yellow, an easier task than digging them up and leaving holes that make your grass look like an ancient battlefield.
This is a book that makes me want to both read and write. Not just about clothes, but how clothes can lead you to think about other objects or ideas, as this author does. Objects that like clothes are evocative and make you think or move you to write. I have much more of an urge to read and write about clothes rather than put them on my body and photograph myself. I want to write about fierce and gentle female characters and dress them as they rebel against what society thinks they should be or do. Perhaps in doing so, I will find my new style too!
Any books in your life that are moving you to think, read or write?
I never considered myself old until, at the age of 79, I developed a rare illness which required a strong medicine which took away my ability to walk, rise from a chair or even get out of bed. Weight gain was a given on this med. I developed Cushing syndrome which eliminated all attractiveness and good body image.
I am now 82 and have been off the drug for almost a year and am still trying to correct side effects. Shoulders, hips, back, feet, neck and other various parts no long work as usual and a great deal of pain accompanies movement. My face changed. My skin and eyes changed. My tongue became super sensitive. My list of medical specialists is impressive.
I am no longer the gardener, hiker, or marathon reader. What I AM is still alive with vision and hope. I survived the inevitable depression by planning. I took my 4 adult children with me to Hawaii for a week. (My husband had passed away that year of me being 79.) We acted like we were all 30 years younger. We laughed and they helped me. We made new memories.
The new me is educating myself on topics I had no time for when younger. I am obsessed with new information. I share much with my family and 11 grandchildren. I learned to let go of many so-called friends because they were just too exhausting. I continue to repair my body and enrich my mind. I take nothing for granted. I learned that, in the blink of eye I could have lost my vision. I am filled with gratitude that I can still remain independent in my own home, our retirement dream home. I began to paint canvas and furniture.
I miss the old me. The new me is tired.
Not a book, but Julia Louis-Dreyfuss has a podcast called, “Wiser than Me”, in which she interviews older women. I’d you want some light, in your life, I highly suggest it. Especially the Isabel Allende and Carol Burnett episodes.